mind in the dark
When I was three years old, I was diagnosed with high functional autism after my mom discovered my habit of reading in the dark. My mom didn’t think it was her daughter’s dedication towards reading, but rather sensitivity towards light. The irony is my reading comprehension level was just as abysmal while reading in the night: little to no understanding.
I was not illiterate; I knew how to read. Many people with autism have a devotion towards particular subjects, and I was no exception. My favorite subjects were volcanology, astronomy, and meteorology. I watched the Volcano movie when I was five years old, and I became scared about a volcano blowing up at my house. The other part of me became interested in volcanology–if I am scared of volcanoes, why not study them, to understand them. This was before I knew about the internet, so my mom got me volcano books with pictures. As I learned more about volcanoes, my fear of them went away, and I still dream about visiting a volcano sometime in my life. My interest in astronomy and meteorology came later. As much as blackholes are scary and dangerous, they still have beauty and are the heart of galaxies. And meteorology has a risky, yet life-saving tune to it. Accurate predictions and warnings help save lives while inaccurate predictions can make locals brush off the warnings.
My devotion to these subjects was both a good and a bad thing because I excelled at and enjoyed them. I never failed any science class in my life. On the other hand, for a long time, I was stubborn about learning about areas that I was not interested in. I remember in third grade when reading quizzes started, I failed almost every one of them even when the teacher was reading the quiz out loud. I would have been lucky to get above 60%. The books we were quizzed on weren’t hard, yet my mind fell off its unicorn way of thinking and into a tank of grimy black oil when it came to multiple choice questions; I could never decide which letter was the correct one. I was indecisive.
Fourth grade didn’t get any better. My teacher went over my answers on one quiz about bunnies and rabbits:
He read the question out loud: “What time are bunnies more active?” Then he read my answer: “Nighttime because I got night vision.”
My teacher allowed me to retake that test, and it wasn’t until I’d read the story a few times that the answer finally manifested in the text. Did I hallucinate it not being there or did I skim over because of my short attention span? Oooooooh, my mind beamed in understanding while simultaneously trying not to facepalm.
My reading levels didn’t improve until I got to middle school. I was grounded a lot in those years – rebellious teen issues. My autism made me feel constantly deprived of attention; therefore, I said things without thinking to make my parents and friends look at me. I did it online as well. I wasn’t a cyberbully, but I was hanging around with online friends who fought often, affecting each other in a negative way. So my parents sent me to my room a lot. I used that time to read books and would purposely read past midnight. I used my time to read children's books, such as George’s Marvelous Medicine, Judy Blume, any kids’ books that were on my shelf. They weren’t about science. The books were much easier to comprehend and follow along now because I was older. There were no quizzes. In sixth grade, my reading jumped two grade levels.
In eighth grade, things changed again. We were in the computer lab for science, preparing for an exam at the end of the year. I saw kids play Roblox on the computers while the teacher was talking. I was at a desk attached to the wall, feeling tired and bored. My mind loved to trail off when I was bored. My thoughts went somewhere else, brewing a plot. I had a rising feeling in my hands to write a novel. I planned out my first story during study hall– Atomic Disaster: The Powerful Storm. A tornado story. It took place in 2025 in Missouri when a 2.5 miles-wide tornado touched down in a fictional town. The narrator was Elsmeralda Namboo. Her family moved from Oklahoma years previously to escape bad weather. The entire idea came to me during science class. I finished the story in two weeks. And I wanted to write more.
I enjoyed my reading assignments more and more, thinking of them as an activity rather than homework. When it came to my writing, I mainly published on Wattpad and Inkitt. I took two English classes during my senior year; Creative Writing and AP Literature and Composition. College has made my connection with writing and reading stronger, and I continue to publish on Wattpad–more suspenseful, supernatural, horror, and fantasy stories than I ever wrote about science. Now I find writing comforting during the days of anxiety attacks. I have had vivid nightmares daily since I was two; therefore, I am desensitized to what happens and I can house nightmares as energy for stories.
My heart is no longer focused on becoming a volcanologist, a meteorologist or an astronomer. I can add details of what I’ve learned about those subjects into my stories anytime I want. And I consider them secondary options if my writing career fails.
